Lovely
(Originally published in my blog “Undertaken Seriously” on February 12, 2017)
“What is love?” asks the smash 90’s dance hit by Haddaway, followed by the cryptic plea “Baby don’t hurt me/ don’t hurt me/ no more.” While it remains part of a corny yet undeniably catchy club scene from another era, the question raised is profound. I don’t doubt that love is the number one art subject of all time, ensconced in film, poetry, painting, and other media. Not to sound too soft, but love is central to our lives; we crave, among other things, the comfort, the recognition, and the warm fuzzy feeling it brings.
I appreciate the ideas of many ancient Greek thinkers, namely the notion of love as holding many different forms. The abstract, overarching idea of “love” is consistent, and these feelings for others are all named thusly, but the expression is different based on the context of the relationship in question. This philosophy includes three such expressions; eros, philia, and agape.
Eros is the Grecian idea of passionate love, similar in connotation to words like “desire.” The modern English word “erotic” and its relatives are rooted in the word eros. This expression of love is what we seek in a partner, that is the idea of a “spark” or an exciting sort of connection between yourself and another. Sexual love, then, would fall into the eros category as well.
Yet Plato also considered eros to be something more innocent, perhaps, than just sex and passion. He believed that eros was found in recognition of true beauty; if you are familiar with the idea of Platonic “forms,” then you know that one might feel this sort of love when they encountered the truest or purest form of any one thing. In this sense, one might also feel eros while witnessing some gorgeous or sublime act of nature, one that they believe sets the bar for all other experiences of the type. If we go back and apply this more innocent thinking to our previous example of eros with a partner, it’s really a pleasant thought; when you “love” somebody, you are essentially taking the stance that they are the embodiment of many kinds of beauty in their ideal forms.
The next classification of love is philia, which is love like “appreciation” or “value” of another. Philia is a common suffix in modern English denoting an affinity for something (e.g. audiophilia is a deep appreciation or “love” for high-quality sound or music). This love is found with friends and acquaintances, and is the sort which arises when we find another person to be socially compatible with ourselves—more so than the average bear might be. I would hope that we all know the feeling of making a new friend; it may even begin the first time you meet them. You find them to be an enjoyable person to talk to, look at, be around, do things with, what have you. There are a multitude of reasons for starting and keeping friendships, but once we are in these relationships we rarely question our rationale for staying—that is to say, we don’t always recognize the influence of philia.
It is not uncommon at all for friends to tell each other that they “love” them, but it is often without the obligations of eros. The lines may blur, and eros relationships cannot survive on that alone. I believe that with passion must also come appreciation, which is exemplified when you hear people refer to their partner/spouse as their “best friend.” The ideas of love are not mutually exclusive, and certainly not the third kind, agape, which somewhat encompasses the previous two.
Agape is love as we think of “respect” or “good will,” bordering on “admiration.” Perhaps the word “agape,” referring to pronounced openness, is related to this idea of being open to others and “loving” them in this way. “Open your heart” is an apt idiom for this idea.
Or maybe I’m just waxing poetic, and there’s no connection whatsoever. I digress.
Regardless, agape represents the love behind ideas of peace and harmony between all people, which is the kind of love I wish more people would get on board with. This is the kind of love that opens borders and breaks down barriers between people. Try to let in some agape next time you’re in public, being served in a restaurant, or interacting with strangers in general. Empathy comes easy when agape is present, and empathy is the key to respecting and understanding other people. In a perfect world this might be the norm.
This is merely one model of thinking about love, but I find it pretty poignant. I’ve been fortunate enough to have loved and to have been loved all throughout my life—I credit this with influencing my philosophy about spreading love freely. For this reason, too, I wish to understand love. I like the Greek philosophy because it allows for interpretation of the concept in different ways. “Love is Love,” am I right? Some people and cultures, though, are not so comfortable with open displays or expressions of these different kinds of love. “I Love You, Man” is a fantastic movie that displays this idea of the awkwardness present in platonic male friendships, and coined the term “bromance” (Thanks for being the best, Judd Apatow). As well, the struggle for LGBTQ+ rights and recognition in America and the world at large has come a long way, yet I feel it is still a battle waged constantly. We must appreciate love for its universality and believe in its nuance before we can hope to live in peace with one another.
Love and sexuality are ambiguous things, left for each person to develop and interpret for themselves, and we cannot allow institutions like religion or government to overshadow our inherent love for each other as human beings (i.e. a philia or agape kind of love). I have love for my family, for my dearest friends (you know who you are, lads), for nature, animals, and even strangers. My girlfriend and I have subjected ourselves to a long-distance relationship for nearly two years because we know what love is to each of us personally, and we believe in it strongly.
Think about what love means to you, and how you express or conceptualize it. Recognize your personal definitions of love, then you can begin to think of how you might be a better friend, lover, family member, and human being.
“What is love?” well, it’s whatever you want it to be. Get out there and spread it!
Source of information about the Greek philosophy.
